Thursday, October 15, 2009

Potential Peeping Pervs

So as it turns out the strange noise that I heard after I went to bed the night before last was the sound of someone knocking down two slats of my fence and letting themselves into my backyard to ostensibly peer in my windows. Really, how pervy can you be? Said noise caused my Killer Standard Poodle to do nothing but sigh and roll over. Thus, I was not too alarmed. Though, I will say, the noise was disconcerting enough for me to turn on the light and begin the process of willing myself back to sleep. I checked my phone several times to ensure that what ever was the cause of the strange, as yet unknown noise, had not cut the wires (too many horror movies/mystery novels) while simultaneously hatching escape plots out of my heavily dead bolted house. At this point I was just fucking with myself because I “knew” that it was rainy and windy so whatever the noise was had to be a product of the weather conditions.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. I leaped out of bed with a song in my heart and a lilt in my step. Yea, right. I rolled over, wiped off the drool and began the process of dreading the upcoming 9 hours in The Cube. I got dressed and took the KSP to the park which abuts my very private fenced in backyard. We did our laps and on the way home I noticed that my fence was missing some slats. No doubt it was The Weather. As I got closer I realized that it was not so much The Weather as it was the result of someone doing some serious kicking to get the 6” screws loose. Then I noticed the large muddy footprint in my yard. At this point, I did not panic. I went in the house, entered my back yard the proper way, and noticed that the lawn chairs that I leave stacked up by one of the windows (which provides and excellent view of my bed) were tossed aside. Then I panicked. Then I cried. What else would any self respecting female do? After several phone calls. Again, a female reaction. I called the police. They came. I was instructed to close my blinds, to remember that having a fence did not guarantee privacy and most of all to remember that if “they” had wanted to get in my house they would have. Um, yeah, thanks for that.

To assuage my fear last night I handled the situation as I have successfully handled many situations in the past. I got drunk. Then I turned on all of the outdoor lights, shut the blinds, triple checked the deadbolts, placed my cell phone and home phone on the nightstand, turned on a night light, and went to bed. Next hurdle in my newly found fears of the dark and being home alone, doing this all over again tonight. Sober. Odds are I am drunk by 6.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

And so it begins

Having missed the opportunity to participate in the first Cannonball read I was delighted when the opportunity arose again today. Over burgers (Iowa beef, naturally) I told my boyfriend, (who was my boyfriend until we decided to live together, at which point he had a Greta Garbo moment and I moved back to my unsold house, yet we talk to each other daily and spend every weekend together, but we no longer have a "label" which makes him more comfortable in his "I am a thirty year old man child who wants commitment but not Commitment" sort of way) that in order to do so I would need a blog. Terror enveloped me to admit that I was going to join the "oh my GOD I am so important that people are going to want to read about everything I ever thought or spoken" ranks. Being an avid hater of Twitter and those who Twit, a non joiner of look at me on Facebook and write on my wall (whatever the hell that is), this was and is a big step for me.

So here I am. Ready to read. Ready to review. Ready to bitch. Ready to get that legion of followers chomping at bit to read what I spew forth next. Ha. Ha. So, My Iowa Mom friend (you know who you are), here it is. Put this in your bookmarks and smoke it.